I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
