You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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