Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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