Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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