i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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