At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
