Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
