She announced her abortion via fbk
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
