im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
