This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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