i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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