I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
