If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
