How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
