I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
