ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
