Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
