first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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