I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
