we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
