Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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