Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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