Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
