If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
