$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
