I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
