3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
