The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
