I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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