my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
