You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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