i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
