just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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