it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
