Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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