I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
