I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
