she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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