Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
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My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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