just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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