help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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