i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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