Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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