Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
