The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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