I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
