Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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