So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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