seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Randomize
