who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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