I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
