Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
