someone owes me an orgasm
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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