the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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