I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
third nipple confirmed
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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