her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
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I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
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Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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